The pull towards certainty, to know that everything will be okay or not okay, is an experience all people can relate to. We want to know that we are making the right decision or that we have considered every possible option lest we be unprepared for the worst or best-case scenario. This drive for knowing, to have some semblance of control in life, is completely understandable, particularly for people who have experienced trauma. Childhood is particularly challenging for many people because we are so dependent on our caregivers and have to make do with our lot. This results in developing adaptive strategies in the home which may or may not be as helpful in the wider world. Moreover, the broader circumstances of our lives, for example social, economic, and cultural factors add to the complexity of this picture. Many of these variables are out of our control and it makes sense that the need for certainty would become imperative.
Overthinking thus becomes a survival tool often driven by the fight/flight response. To churn the facts over and over in one’s mind, examining the situation from all angles, mulling over every possible outcome, to think about how one will appease, or exact revenge helps us feel safe. Safety is a broad term but useful because the felt experience of security or safety for many people has been scarce, and for some, so infrequent that they have no idea how to identify it or what safety genuinely feels like. Instead, overthinking is mistaken for safety but this tendency actually keeps the body activated rather than grounded, relaxed, and connected. Moreover, the need to have the self, others, and the world figured out leads to either drawing out decisions or alternatively wanting things to happen immediately, as opposed to tolerating the distress of sitting in the unknown. This is completely understandable as the felt experience of not knowing can be very similar to that of helplessness. Alternatively, the fear of making a decision which could lead to more feelings of helplessness results in indecision. It is no wonder we try so hard to keep ourselves safe by thinking, thinking, and more thinking. Of course, and so we should approach the pull for certainty with curiosity and compassion. Anger, frustration, and self-criticism are understandable emotional responses towards our overthinking parts. However, I would encourage non-judgment and resolve to parent oneself patiently, kindly, and firmly. A gentle but disciplined management of self and life is vital for healing or at the very least, the commitment to trying to be kinder. In practice, this means being aware of one’s self talk-the content, tone of voice, and possible unrelenting expectations. Do you expect perfection always regardless of what is going on in your life? Is there space to learn and reassurance when you stumble along the way?
Learning requires the ability to sit in uncertainty and this can be extremely uncomfortable and painful for many people. Wanting to be good from the get-go or quitting means that you do not have to sit with the frustration, disappointment, and shame of not knowing. However, realizing that these are normal emotional responses to learning can be helpful. Similarly, starting to slowly reframe uncertainty as necessary for growth and a space in which anything could happen can actually give relief and comfort. Accepting that uncertainty is part of life is freeing. Understanding that not knowing makes room for creativity and flexibility. We often believe things ‘should’ work out according to our life plan and are incredibly disappointed when they don’t. However, we often have such limited information to base these life plans on; past experiences, societal, family, and cultural expectations, and so forth. There is so much we do not know and being open to life means being open to possibilities of happiness outside of our limited current awareness which may pass us by if we keep focusing on how things ‘should’ be.
Finally, get intimate with the felt experience of overthinking. What I mean by this is take some time to sit quietly and observe with curiosity how overthinking feels in your body. Mindfully notice the body sensations that arise, the feel of your thoughts, the tensing of your forehead, shoulders, or jaw clenching. It’s okay if you get lost in the story of the thoughts-the need to fix, know, analyze, solve, and so forth but try and commit to taking the time to genuinely understand your personal overthinking process. This is a gentle inquiry-there is no rush and feeling into your body safely is key. This may mean only sitting for a few minutes to begin with, having a cup of tea on hand, or wrapping yourself in your favorite blanket. Remember to anchor yourself with the breath-nice long breaths ensuring the out-breath is longer than the in-breath. Following this mindful body inquiry, it may be helpful to journal your findings, speak to a loved one you trust and/or therapist, and slowly make peace with the inevitably of uncertainty.
